The inner workings of a still born idiot

Its been a while but somthing sparked my interest

2005-05-20T20:25:39Z

So today me and kristin went and saw star wars. ok yeah, i'm a fuckin nerd and i dragged her along, but when i thought about the movie, i could apply it to myself. Without the aliens and lasers and all. First off i am darth vader, just not quite as bad ass. I'm deeply in love with a woman i would change the galaxy for. In the movie he turns himself over to the dark side in order to learn a power to make her live, he dies for her to have life, i would do the same. In the end when he learns of her death he goes apeshit and breaks stuff, I would probably kill someone. It just struck me as though i had so many similarities to this character, but then it made me think of the themes of this movie. Religion, politics all that bullshit, but Love was the thing that stood out the most.

The main theme of this movie was love. Love is a power that enables us to move mountains and perform inhuman feats of strength, but it is a delicate and fragil line to walk. There is clearly a line that puts love into both a dark and a light side. When you tell someone you love them, do u do it because you know that this is the one, the woman or man that you want to spend the rest of your life with, or do you do it because you want sex or somthing else. When you see your lover with another person does your mind automatically go into fits of rage and jealousy or do you think oh, she has friends. Love can make men and women do stupid things, but do they do them for the right reasons. Does a man tell a woman he loves her and buys her jewlery and other things so that he may just have his way with her when shes lowered her defenses or does he buy them for her so that she sees that he's willing to make a sacrifice for her. does he complain if she never wears it or does he just go on and not mention it and not care. Does a man spend more and more money as time goes on in order to get laid more and more or does he do it so that this woman may see that she is the only thing that he cares about, the world could go to shit and he wouldn't care, his whole world could fall through and she would still be there for him, not because of some piece of jewlery, but because she truly loves him.
does a woman accept the gifts that a man gives to her with a mind on guard watching for every little sneaky move that a man might make, or does she accept a piece of jewlery or a gift as somthing more, somthing that means that this is my sacrifice for you, this is what I am willing to do so you have one more thing to show off, so you have one more thing that you can say reminds you of him. Does a woman give gifts in order to recieve sunsual payment or does she give gifts that are on a different level the gifts that are considered nothing more then just "a shirt or a book" but things that she knows will mean to the man or that they will have somthing in them or on them that will forever remind him of her.

How does somone know that they've found the "one" Would you (man or woman) alter the world, just so that the one you love may live for another day. Would you kill yourself slowly and painfully just to see that smiling face one last time. Does it tear you up inside every single time that you fight, not because your mad but because you've hurt or let down the one you love. Does the phrase i'm sorry have no meaning because you've screwed up the same way over and over again, and yet he or she still loves you the same or even more because they know you are trying.

Love is the greatest thing i have in this world.

I apologize

2005-03-29T13:56:09Z

I'm sorry, especially to kristin, the previous journal was not written because my grandfather died, but becuase i finally got the words into my head to express the grief that is in me now in the song that I hope to perform at his funeral.

Dancing in Heaven

2005-03-29T06:17:57Z

Poppop you're gone
and here on earth we mourn
and i know that your in tears

but please cry no more
because i remember you
and thats not the way you want it

I hope above the clouds
and above the skies
out there where heaven lies
that you can hear me now

I hope you're dancing
there in heaven
with the angels
I hope you're hearing
the guitar
down on earth
and when it comes to that
I hope you hear me in heaven

easter sucks

2005-03-27T15:33:46Z

wow, its 1030, easter sucks already. goddamit

Very Very Angry

2005-03-26T17:53:03Z

Ok, so I write my manager a not saying i cannot work easter, and guess what, they have me working tomorrow. I told her I cannot come in. I also gave her a note saying that I could not work april 1st. The easter note she says she didn't get, but I know that she got the april 1st note because she gave me off for one of the days I requested, and it wasn't a mishap, she penned me into the printed schedule as being off. This is rediculous, I'm going to speak with her about this shit, no more writing letter, no more of this shit, I have to figure out what the fuck the deal is. It seems as though they're fucking me, but that new girl is getting on just fine (maybe its because shes the managers friend). I think that if she gives me shit about working this friday which i will NOT be, i'm quitting. This is rediculous up until this week I had one day off a week, I worked 39.5 hours on a part time pay scale. when they call me and ask me to come in early i have never said no, I'm always there for the A&P, but it seems as though the A&P is not there for me. Now I'll run through the possible excuses they can have for not giving me off.

"we didn't get the note" - this is bullshit because she already gave me off on one of the days i requested

"we're understaffed" - It is not my fault they won't hire

"No one wants to work those hours" - And so I get stuck with hours that I followed proper procedure in asking for.

"You didn't call to make sure of this" - well, when you give me off already for a day i asked for already, then I figure hey, you're finally doing what your supposed to, silly me

"You took off sunday" - I requested both days, and I'm sure there are people who can work

"You already have thursday and monday off" - I asked for friday and sunday

Its like talking to a wall working there, and If this shit isn't straightened out, I quit. I think I'm going to start filing applications to other companies, because this is rediculous. I can't deal with this shit anymore, I work my ass off there, I fucking do things im not asked to do, I don't fuck around on my brakes, my lunch is a half hour, and my fifteen is fifteen mins, I don't go over. I don't ask for much, I've never been "demanding" I think they just feel like because I'm a kid, they can fuck me any way they want and pretty much say "well don't you like having a job". This sucks, and I hate it, I mean if i didn't ask for off on these days, and I just wanted it, that would be different, but I did what they told me, and they fucked me, they don't treat me right as an employee of their company. They treat me like shit, I get stuck with shitty hours, shitty pay, and i'm going nowhere.

Another Night.......

2005-03-11T05:33:11Z

Another night, another opportunity to fuck up, and thats what I did, cause thats what I seem to do best. I've fucked up this whole week, and I've fucked up the last month. Nothing has gone right since christmas, NOTHING. I fucking hate working, I fucking hate doing anything. I wanna be able to sit back and fucking enjoy life, instead I find myself working shit hours for shit pay at a shit store. I work hard, but I doubt anyone'll ever notice. Every night I have a lunch I call kristin, and I hate calling her not because I don't want to talk, but because I want to talk in person, I can't say everything's gunna be alright and then tell her I have to go back and work 5 more hours, thats bullshit. I should be by her, but I fucked that up by not changing my hours, and that is my fault and no one else's. I hate this shit. So I fucking sit here alone (as usual) with my beer wanting so bad not to be here, for it to not be twelve 17. I want it to be noon on a beach somewhere, where I'm sitting there sipping haitian cocktails with krisitn, and then later on, we'll meet up with all of our friends for like a big party kinda thing, I wish that was my reality, but its not. My reality is the A&P and having no one happy with me. Kristin's mad at me which is understandable, my mother is mad at me, my grandmother is mad at me, I'm mad at me, and I'm sure there's a whole other list of people who are mad at me right now. I feel like I haven't done anything write, but I don't know what the right thing to do is. In my mind the first response is "give up, you can't handle it, give up, quite work" but in reality no one will ever be happy with me if I quit, I just have to fix it. I don't know, I just feel fucking helpless right now, like I just want everybody to be happy with what I do and for somone to fucking say "good job" once in a while, but I guess until I do a good job I won't hear those words. I hate myself, I hate my life right now. I just want everybody to be happy with me, and I want everybody to be happy with everything and thats the problem I don't know how to do it right. I'm not used to this, I'm not used to having to divide my time like this. I've never had anyone who I loved so much be so mad/dissappointed with me, and I don't know what to do. I think my biggest problem is that I want to give kristin the world, because she deserves it, but If I don't work I can't give her anything, and she deserves someone better then me, someone who can give her all the things that he wants and doesn't have to think twice about it, somone who is there for her, not somone who'll be there after his 4-12 shift at the A&P gets off. I feel more and more worthless everyday, like I'm a constant dissappointment, I hate this shit. I hate the fact that I don't know what to do, and I hate the fact that I'm even thinking like this. I just don't feel like I'm good enough to be anything, not even human. I'm just an animal thats here to take orders, I don't know how to stand up for myself, I don't know how to fight for myself, I don't know how to do anything, I'm useless to the human race. There'll be other cashiers, it doesn't take any special skills. I just wish I had the skills to balance my life. To strike that perfect balance that allows me to spend time with everything and everyone that means somthing to me. But what I have right now is just a world of compromise, the only problem is that I have yet to make any compromises, its everybody else keeps doing that for me. I hate it. I hate myself, I hate my life and I don't mean you know little whiny thirteen year old "I hate my life" I mean I understand my problems in life, I have a grasp on them, I just cannot deal with them and they are overwhelming me, and I hate it.

What I have done and what I have failed to do

2005-03-07T04:20:20Z

What I have done. I have caused the only person in this world who truly loves me to doubt me. I have made my parents upset with me, I have let down my grandparents, I have gotten a job that is moving me backwards, I have made less time for people and I have made myself miserable.

What I have failed to do. Stand up for myself, tell the truth, make time for the ones I love. I have failed at being me

I am so tired right now, but I am writing, Why am I writing, well thats because I have officially become the angriest/saddest person in the world. I fucked up big time tonight, as I have done every night of every week for the past four or five weeks I guess. Everytime I want to spend time with somone I can't because I have to work. Work is not going well, I have begun to not like a lot of the people I work with, the hours suck the pay sucks, It all sucks. IDK what to do, I wish I didn't have a job, I wish I had money, I wish i didn't hurt kristin as much as I do

I can't post anymore, there are too many thoughts in my head and I'm so tiredlIm sorry.

Goddam it

2005-03-03T05:30:29Z

God damnit. Its wednesday that means I have to work till midnight, and work I did, I worked my fucking ass off. So then this stupid woman comes in and buys 4 tangerines, and I put em in her bag and she goes on her merry way, then she comes back about a half hour later and starts yelling at me "where are my tangerines" and shes gettin all screamin and yellin like, and then bylynda intervened which was very nice of her and the woman left. Today sucked for many reasons. The first being that my gas card number was stolen, and some jerkoff in miami used it to pump about 100 dollars worth of diesel. I hope I meet him so I can kill him. Anyway thats the first reason why today sucked. The next is that I wanted to see kristin very badly today. I wanted to be there when she opened her envelope and found out that she became an R.A., and I wanted to be there to tuck her in tonight, but neither can happen because of work (I'm sorry hun). Instead of being there today I ended up making her feel like I didn't want to talk to her and making her upset, I suck. A lot. I guess all thats left is to go to sleep, to start a long day tomorrow that spans from 1100AM until 1000PM I hope I get to sdee kristin tomorrow, I want to give her a congratulations hug, she worked so hard for this and stressed over it so much and now its all paid off, and all I could do today was cut our conversation short.

I'm sorry I've been such an ass today

I hate today

2005-03-01T14:54:19Z

I hate today
I wish it was yesterday
and I could fix everything
that I broke

I am not happy with myself today
I hurt the one I love and there is no excuse for that
There is no excuse for me or anything I have done

Alrighty Kiddies....

2005-02-22T17:40:19Z

Ok, so two things that have pissed me off in the last day or so. The first being this dumb old woman who came into the A&P last night. She's buying bagels at 2 for 1. Ok, i type in the code for six bagels twice and it doesn't come off, so I call the manager over, he goes, oh, thats the wrong code, you have to enter it for one bagel and press quantity 6, ok, so that gets straightened out, and then she leans over to me, and goes those bagels better be free.... I'm like "excuse me" she repeates herself, and then goes "It's company policy" I almost hit her or laughed at her. First off, don't quote company policy unless you work for the goddam company. secondly on a buy one get one free you got your free one you dumb old bag. our policy is "If an item scans higher then the price on it, you get one free. Therefore on a buy one get one free, go suck a lollipop cause you got your goddam free one. But then she goes and talks to the manager, for ten minutes insisting we didn't give her her free bagels. He's goes it didn't scan in the first place, and secondly it was humaqn error for putting the wrong code, not a system error like you think. I hate her

Ok, the next thing today. I'm in psych, i made it on time doing 95 on 287, but I got there, and I was on time, ok so I'm talking to kristin, and honey I'm sorry I was so angry on the phone this morning, but I was just in a hurry and in a weird mood. SO anyways, I'm sitting in class and the proffesser goes "a man managed to cure children with severe autism by giving them electric shocks whenever they would do things, like hurt themselves (slamming there heads into things, or biting themselves) he would give them a shock and came to find that they began to associate the feelings of a shock with those behaviors, so they stopped doing them. I was sitting there, and I was stunned, not angry, amazed, this guy was managing to really help these kids to lead semi-normal lives and it seemed awesome. Well, then this autistic (whatever the fuck he is) kid in the front goes "thats against every human moral" and the teacher says "is it not moral to help people" and he goes "no, you're hurting them, and you can accomplish just as much with positive reinforcement" Then this one girl goes "some of them have no touch with our reality and do not experience the same feelings and emotions as us" and he goes "no, they're all the same, I should no, blah blah blah" I wish he was normal, cause I would smack this kid, he needs it. Just because he's autistic, and sure probably had a much harder time learning things then me, or anyone else in the class, he does not know everything about autism. I am not saying that I do, but I am saying that there are varying degrees of autism and he obviously is not the most severe, there are kids who need to where helmets, and kids who cannot really be helped, and he doesn't want to get that through his big fat semi-autistic head.

Oh well, thats my rant........... .....

Fuck Manhattaville and its whiny bitch liberal motherfuckers

2005-02-16T23:15:36Z

Can you tell im pissed off, can you, can you? so Im sitting in philosophy (preceptorial) and we were talking about death and she goes "do you guys have anything you would die for" instantly in my mind, i think kristin, and then my family and friends, but i didn't say anything. so then she goes "would you die for your religion" I don't answer, some JAP answeres, but I held my tongue, I would die for my beliefs, but my beliefs are sadly not the same as my religion. so then she goes would anyone hear die for anything, and I raised my hand and said I would die for my family (my family to me includes all my friends) and then she goes ok, and she says "who here would die for their country" my hand went up so fast your fucking head would fall off and run and hide. Of all the things I am, patriotic has the deepest roots. No one else raised their hand, but I got the little side whispers and these fucked up looks from people. WTF!! I mean I'm not a fucking monster, IM A FUCKING AMERICAN and all of you are too so what the fuck. Then this one girl the little JAP makes the comment "I would leave" I almost told her, "fucking go ya lil bitch" she spends the whole fucking class talking about how her grandfather survived the halocaust only to come to America and become very very wealthy. WELL...... did he go to France..NO, Britain...NO, did he fucking go to Israel where his fucking people went hmm... NO, he came to AMERICA because this is where he could make a fucking living, raise a family and get rich to ensure his future, his well being and the well being of his family. I think that her attitude is disgraceful considering what he's been through. But that wasn't the only thing that troubled me, when I said that I would die for America I meant it, and the kids all looked at me like I had just said I was gunna shoot myself right there. What the fuck is so wrong with being patriotic in today's world. Like I have to give a fuck wether the rest of the world is insulted by my red white and blueness. Is all of college going to be spent feeling like an outcast because I believe in America, I believe in the American dream, IM FUCKING PATRIOTIC. Is this how it is going to be for the rest of my life, that people are going to get more and more "liberal" and look at me like I have to agree with them. They talk about how bad the "republicans/conservatives" are, but when I think about it now, we're exactly the fucking same and IM more liberal then any of the fucking democrats at my school, I tolerate most of what they say, but when you insult my country like that, you insult me, and what next is there going to be a public fucking flag burning at mville, what the fuck is it going to come to. If it gets any worse though IM just going to start walking out of philisophy, I don't care and apparently they don't either. This is America, we're free but they feel opressed, you know what half of them have prolly never seen a fucking pay check, but god shouldn't be on our money... WELL when you earn the fucking money you can complain motherfucker. We're fucking religious, we're fucking free. My thoughts are mine, my body is mine I am my own and no one else's. I just wish that these kids would wake the fuck up and realize that it could be worse. If America was what they think it is, then they wouldn't get away with saying half the shit they do. I feel like my school is so facistly liberal that they want everyone to agree with them and all other mindsets are wrong. If any day made me want to leave more, it was today and If all other colleges are like this, the I fucking quit and Im joining the ARMY its not right that in a country so good as ours people are fucking whining like this instead of fucking packing up and moving. FUCK THEM ALL.

I have to go to work now and EARN my goddam money.

they call me the working man...... I guess thats what I am

2005-02-10T06:00:38Z

Ok, I just came off of a 8.5 hour shift and Im feeling good and ready to talk about work. Not in a bad way, I do not mind my job at all, and I do not mind the people I work with, in fact, I love working with them, they're all cool, so no complaints at all there. But the customers hahaha they are fair game.

Alright, I will start with my most memorable customers. The first being a woman who came to my register when I was closed. It was no big secret that I was closed, my light was off, and my drawer was on the counter because I had to do cash count. for those of you who don't know, that means I have to count my drawer and fill in a sheet. So this old bag is yelling at me "you're so goddam slow, you must be new, you suck" and so on. so I just said nicely "mam, I'm closed" so she continues, I repeat what I said a little more forcefully, and meanwhile she's getting louder and louder, so a line forms, because thats what happens when your light is off and/or someone is bitching at you. So I finish counting which I was ion no hurry to do now and I turn my light on, and I ring the woman up and ask her for her ID, so she screams at me some more about how I don't need to see her ID becuase obviously she's over 21. I told her "its policy" but then the manager overruled me, so the old bag got a smug lil look on her face (i haven;t seen her since then)

My favorite customers are the ones who buy alchol, cause there are tow types there are the type A's who are appreciative because we are doing a service for the community at large, and then there are the type B's who bitch about everything because we have to ID. One of these such customers came in on saturday, I asked them both for ID, and the woman gave me a lecture about how she could be my grandmother, and somthing about respect and how I didn't need to ID her. Then I took her and her hus bands ID's and told them "you're barely old enough to be my parents. So then the woman goes who says that you have to ID us so i told her flat out "the big sign behind you outlines our policy" and then I showed them the sign right on the register that said "please have your ID ready" can we say ass served on platter.

Then I get the coupon crazies. This one guy last night comes in and hands me four expired coupons. I said "sir I cannot honor these" and he has the balls to go "the store honors them, I know you do" so I told him "thats why there are expiration dates" so he tells me "no, you honor expired coupons" so I call the manager and say "do we honor expired coupons" needless to say, she laughed at me. Then the guy was all pissy and trying to get me to give in, he was staring at me and shit so I just stared right back at him until he left

There are the soccer moms who come in and buy 50,000,000,0000 items and leave them on your counter and then don't help you bag and they stand there and tap their feet and check their watches every three seconds. Fuck you lady, if its that important for you to get the hell out of here you can do one of two things A) bag your own fucking groceries like your husband would, or B) not come on the line of the guy who is obviously new.

Another fun customer I had was one who stood on line for five minutes and just kept tapping her foot and checking her watch going "goddamit, fuck" over and over again, then she gets up to me and throws her keys at me, not at the counter, at me, she;s very lucky that she missed because I woulda hit her. its one thing to have a nasty customer once, but to deal with about 6 hours of pissy stuck up rich snobs then fight traffic to get to work on time because you only have ten minutes to get there to fucking serve people, cut me a little slack and trust me lady, there are so many other places that I'd rather be, but I'm there to make your goddam life easier lol.

Then tonight I had a woman get nasty with me, and up until she got nasty with me I was nice, I was as nice as I could be, but I had already been there 3.5 hours of my shift so she gets mad at me because her coupon wasn't the right one, and she insisted that I was the one in the wrong when it was her, so she just got nasty with me, meaner and meaner so I got less and less happy, I just rang her up and got rid of her its not worth dwelling on or getting nasty about.

The other thing I have fun with is when customers will insist that they need their bonus card after I tell them they don't. so they'll root around in their bags for about five to ten minutes until they find it and when they do its all fucked up and I have to manually do the numbers and then nothing comes off. so i just restate the total but I do it a lil more forcefully so they get the point, I'm not lying, I'm not stealing your money. I DON"T CARE!!!

anyways, thats enough, I'm fucking exhausted, are you happy OWEN??

Now i sit

2005-02-07T05:10:50Z

I just got home and I am not happy. I've once again made kristin sad, I fell asleep on her while we were laying in her bed in the dorm room tonight, I didn't realize i was asleep until I woke up. I was just so comfortable and Idk I just drifted off. She said that when she sees me, its like shes not really seeing me, and you know what, she's right, she's right, when she sees me we're aroiund family, one of us just got off work, idk its fucked up, I can't wait for next weekend.

Some good.... some bad......

2005-02-06T13:34:45Z

Well, i'll start with the bad the first bit of bad is that I have not yet gotten kristin's valentine's day gift, I have to get her somthing, and I wish I had the money to get her what I wanna get her, but I dont, so idk now I'll figure it out i guess. The second bit of bad is that the A&P runs my life, i've been there about 1 month now, and I get all the late crappy hours check this shit out, I worked a fifteen hour work day yesterday (not all at the A&P but 15 hrs is 15 fucking hrs.) Then I work monday - thursday till midnight everynight i think.

Now the good. Even though I'm scheduled to work saturday, dennis said he'd cover for me, so that means me and kris can leave early. Then the fact that we're going makes me extremely happy. Another bit o' happy is that I'm writing a new song, its a sad song, but happy that I'm still writing. The next bit o' happy is that I get to see kris tonight that always makes me happy I think she was unhappy last night when I was at Jim's at 130, because I shoulda been home sleeping, but I ended up falling asleep at jims for about an hour and a half, then I got up, went home, and then went to sleep.

Hopefully A&P will be empty tonight because of the superbowl but I doubt it, people are gunna come in at like 4 looking for chips that are gonna sell out in like 2 mins and they'll wanna buy beer before 12. All in all i guess I'm content with my job, Im making a shitload of money and I feel that I am doing the best job that I can there. But I gotta go to work now, so I'll talk to all you kiddies again soon

till then

I love you kris
goodbye all

- Eric

Kristin

2005-02-01T05:42:04Z

I have the greates girlfriend in the world. She has an eight o'clock class in the morning, but forces herself to stay up so we can say goodnight to each other. Over the past two years we have gotten to know each other so well and I think that she is possibly the sweetest, most beautiful and most loving human being in the world. I don't think she knew how serious I was tonight when I said "you stayed up for me, see, this is why I love you" I was dead serious when I said that, that is why I love her, she is so selfless, so caring she'll let me bitch about things without saying a word. She'll tell me "I was awake" when I call and I know she was asleep just so that I don't feel bad, when in actuality she has to be up early. When I said to her "thats the nicest thing anyone has done for me all day" I meant it, working at the A&P i don't have many customers who are genuinely appreciative or that nice really, some of them I don't care for at all, and its somthing great when you get into your freezing cold car and someone special does sumthing special for you somthing that warms you up inside and makes you feel like your really truly loved, that is how I feel tonight, loved and so happy that I have her in my life. i have been so lucky to be hers for these last two years, To be the one whose shoulder she cries on, the one who she kisses and says goodnight to, the one who brings her flowers. I love her more then I love life itself, more then I love anything in the world she is the most important thing to me. I feel as though without her, life would be empty, those three words (I love you) would mean nothing, but I am hers, and so they do. They mean the world to me, when I hear her say them, it brightens up the shitty days and makes the good days better. The love I have for her is limitless and it grows everyday, there is not one day that goes by when I don't think to myself "I love her so much, she's the world to me" I think that everyday, and I wish that everyday I could give her gifts, and not the one's I can afford, I wish I could shop at a place like tiffany's for her, or buy her the whole coach store. I wish I could give her everything that she ever desired and I wish that i could do that now, and giving her everything that she could ever want wouldn't even show one half of one millionth of one billionth of how much I love her. I don't how to put it into words, because there are no words to describe my love for her. love is such a useless word when put next to the feelings I am thinking of, the feelings that poets have struggled to put into words, that playwrights have tried to describe that artists can only show abstractly. This love is what drives me to go to work everyday, to do my best in everything that I do, to be everything that I can be for myself, so that I can be everything that I can ever be for her. I cannot wait for the day when I can say that I have given her everything that she wants.

I love her

morning quizes cause i can't leave yet

2005-01-12T14:51:47Z

"You Shook Me All Night Long" (by AC/DC)
'Cause the walls start shaking
The earth was quaking
My mind was aching
And we were making it and you -
Shook me all night
long.

Which 80's Song Fits You?
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You're Hardcore! You're not Emo at all! You hate
those wussy little emo kids.

What Kind of Emo Kid are You?
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You are smart. If you put your brain up for auction
on eBay, thered be people cuing up for miles to
buy it. And brawls, and assassinations - all
for yoour brain! you should be proud.

random rock/metal/goth trivia. - harder than the last one
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You are an 80s metalhead. You enjoy Megadeth and
the like. Have fun with your frizzy hair.

What type of metalhead are you?
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Angry Goth

What Kind of Goth Are You?
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nightwish

2005-01-12T05:36:21Z

Beauty of the Beast

What Nightwish song are you?
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gotta love quizzes

2005-01-12T05:32:09Z

You're a Jag-Stang, as designed by Kurt Cobain
himslef! You're, eh... inovative ...name
indicate's you're a cross between a Mustang and
a Jaguar. Nice.

What Mighty Axe Are You?
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hooray

2005-01-12T05:28:54Z

You're Motorhead! With wild west theamed album
sleeves with photos actually shot in London
quarries, you rock. Your popularity has surged
recently with a wrestling theame tune and songs
featured on a popular video game. A \m/ rating
of 9. All together now -
YOU KNOW I'M BORN TO
LOOSE
AND GAMBLING'S FOR FOOLS
BUT THAT'S THE WAY I LIKE IT, BABY
I DON'T WANNA LIVE FOREVER!

Which Legendary Heavy Metal Band Are You?
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i am sodrunk

2005-01-11T08:38:02Z

so it is 336 qnwe ium qwo fdrunk hello friends i am a drunk motherfucker hahahahaha muahahahah hello

:(

2004-12-26T17:46:11Z

i am sad, im mad at myself and sad, i gotta go grocery shopping.

The lesser of two evils is still evil

2004-12-12T22:20:36Z

So my dad yelled at my mom, and got all pissed off, and WTF does she do, she runs away. Its what she always fuckin does when someone gets really mad at her, she runs the fuck away. I wonder will we be even more in debt by the end of the night. I figure the way it works, we will owe at least 1000 dollars to credit cards by tomorrow morning, cause that what she does when she gets mad, she shops. Why the fuck can't she just deal with the fact that she was wrong. But now, we have to deal with my dad who is pissed off enough now, and now that the person he's mad at is gone, hes mad at us. He's yelling and screaming, like we're afuckingfraid of him. We're not, we don't care, but its quickly becoming one of those nights where I wonder if he'll have a heartattack. Not hope, I have never hoped that he will have a heartattack, but it is sumthing that could happen with his blood preassure the way it is. So anyways, I have one paper done and 3 to go, if I can get one more done in about an hour Ill be in good shape. But right now i'm so fucking angry. Why the fuck does she always run away, thats not the way to deal with your problems unless your five. I mean what the fuck, leave us to deal with him all angry becuase he is "on your last nerve" and then you can tell that he is all upset about her leaving because he sounds like he's about to cry. He yelled at her car as she drove down the street. This is what she fuckin leaves us with. What the fuck. So now I have my dad mad at me because I'm doing school work instead of fixing his marriage, and I have my mother mad at me because we're all just stupid bastards. What the fuck do i do?

The week in review

2004-12-12T20:37:54Z

So, this week me and kristin turned two. AWWWWWW, so i took her to gregory's for dinner. She insists that it was her choice, but i was planning on taking her there for a while. but anyways, we had a good time until i got sick that night. She made me take a nap in her room and then i left an hour later. Then on tuesday my mom yells at me to go to school. I didn't want to, i felt like shit, i wanted to stay in my nice warm bed (futon) and just sleep, but she kept fucking bitching and telling me that it was because me and kristin were out so late. SO i just fucking went i was really really sick of her, and it wasn't worth arguing.

with wednesday came horrible news. One of my heroes Dimebag Darrell was murdered while playing a club in ohio. He was shot by some whacko fucking fan. But not only was the fan crazy, he was sick. He shot him 5 times in the face, and then killed three more people. WTF. That not only pissed me off, but it scared me. One of my dreams in life is to become famous. Its more then a childish dream, its somthing that im hoping to make into a reality in the next three or four years. But am i going to have to wear a fucking flack jacket on stage, am i going to have to hire my own security WTF.

Anyways, last night i slept at kris' and we just slept, nothing else, we slept. We watched movies, and we slept. It was nice having her right there in my arms, holding her against me all night, it wasn't like when im at home and i have just my blankets to keep me warm, i had my kristin too.

Now for the weird dream. last night i dreamt that i was at kristin's school, but it was manhattanville's campus. For some reason, it was me, jim, kristin, and sombody else and the two girls were having me and jim moon people in their dorms. But then out of no where, i ended up at fordham prep. But somthing was off, i was walking around in my boxers, holding a blanket, and yet nobody said anything like it was wrong. But then i decided to go but my pants on, so i went out to my car, and the windows were down. SO i opened it up to get my pants, and the whole inside was covered in birdshit. It was disgusting, but it wasn't regular birdshit, it was like goose shit, it was huge. Then i decided to drive home, in the birdshit mobile, and then it ended, pretty weird huh?

Anyways, i should get going, i have to eat sumthing before i pass out, and everybody here is mad for some reason, and i have 4 papers to write, two by tonight, and two by tomorrow. So i'm out, later sportsfans.

Communism and A concert

2004-12-05T18:42:19Z

Alrighty, its been a couple days, a couple very interesting days. So I'll start off with a recap of whats been going on. If you've seen my away message that says "The cheese stands alone" and you didn't know what it means, here it is. My philosophy teacher told us to each bring in a food that signified our journey this semester. I immediatly thought cheese, because the cheese stands alone, and in all of my classes, philosophy is the one where I am most alone. SO there it is

Next, the communism bit. In philosophy we played modified monopoly. Basically we took a quiz, and we were put into a social class based on that quiz. I was upper class. So there was upper class, middle class, working class, and the lower class. So the upper class has the game real easy, and we were fucking cruising along, but the problem was that the other classes were ganging up on us and passing laws against us. So this one kid from the lower class started trying to pass rediculous laws, so when it was my turn I stood up and gave a little speech. I told them that I knew how to fix everyones problems, and that I could make the game better. The way to do this was to give up all of our money, and properties, put all of our pieces on the space labeled "GO", and move one space at a time at the same time. So this one kid goes "how does that relate to todays world, thats rediculous" and I said "In the world today, every communist society has their own variation, therefore this is my variation and it is relevant" then he tried to put me in between a rock and a hard place, and he goes "how does this reflect the state of NY" and I served him his ass on a platter when I told him "I'M the one with tthe money, and according to everything I hear in this class, its the ones with the money that control the government, therefore because I am rich, I say what goes, and this is what goes. six people out of 20 voted to convert to communism. How awesome is that

Last night I saw shadows fall, I don't have enough time to talk about it now, but I'll post later on, all I will say is that it was fucking amazing. Damage plan was musically disappointing, but stage show wise fucking great. But shadows fall was awesome. Many thanx to sean for those tickets, it was fun.

Transfer?

2004-12-01T02:22:39Z

I realize this week how more and more miserable i am becoming at school. There is like no one who shares my opinions. There is no one there who wants to be friends, its like im that outsider who wants to fit in, but can't because im not good enough. It sucks, its like fucking grammar school. As of day 1 of classes, there were social cliques, and i didn't fit in. I want to i think, but i don't and i don't think I will. I wish I could've like tested this out, and tried it to see if it would work. So I'm going to finish out the year, maybe somthing will happen that will make me go "wow, I fit in" but IDK if that will. Teachers include too many politics into things, they make too many contradictions. I was alienated my first day of class. I'm republican/conservative, and thats bad because I go to a very liberal school. Its not for me, I wish it was but its not. What fun is somthing if you don't have somone to enjoy it with you. Its like going to a concert alone, or going to dinner by yourself in a restaurant, It fucking sucks. I want people I can experience college with, I want a fucking group of friends that will be there, that I can look to, so I don't have to be "that commuter kid" the one who comes in late, the one who has to sit alone, the one we only talk to when absolutely neccesary. I should've just fucking sucked it up and taken a loan, normal people do, but noooo, im a fucking moron. I've made this shitty ass life for myself, and now I have to fix it. I just wish I could be happier in school.

Next up, I have a surprise for everyone, but you have to wait for christmas. Some will like it, some will hate it, I don't care, its somthing I have to do.

OK, now the recap of my awesome weekend. I spent everyday with kristin, wednesday to sunday I did stuff with her, we were together, we won 4 dollars on the lottery, we had a lot of fun. Thanksgiving was different without my family, but I was with my other family. I mean in the mcgrails i get things that I don't get at home. Mr. Mcgrail is the big irish version of my father, i mean in all fairness, I'm fucking terrified of him, cause if he ever gets mad at me, he could beat the living shit outta me, but he's really cool, and we get along. Mrs. Mcgrail is like my other, better mother. She is everything that my mother isn't. Then on sunday, when I saw aunt Jan, and I have no problem calling her aunt jan told me that she wouldn't have given up her spot at the table for just anyone. I felt all tingly inside. I mean how great is it that her family likes me enough to invite me over for dinner, and then say that it wasn;t just having anyone over, it was having me over. Thanksgiving was great. Then friday wasn't as fun, because it was second thanksgiving, we tried to record, and then accomploished nothing, and then kris came over, and I was glad, but she didn't look happy, and then she went out with her friends for the night, and I went out with mine, i like to see her with them, they have fun, and I love it when she smiles. But it was a bitter sweet evening, i slept over jims, and mike did too, and it was fun, but it was like my kristin wasn't with me, and i wanted to sneak out with her, but i was too tired to go out. Not saying i did not enjoy my time with Jim and Mike, but its like i don't have the same time with kris as I used to, and this weekend was so great. Then saturday me and kris went to the diner cause we got hungry, and we won the lottery, and hung out, and then I left, and in the morning i picked her up, and we went out to breakfast with Jim and his mom, and then I brought her back to college later on that night. It was a great weekend. I loved being with her, and being with my friends.

Now I'm sitting alone, wishing i was in NYC with kristin watching the tree lighting, because that would be so awesome. I wish I could've given her that. Im sitting here, with homework to do, and lots of it, but idk where to start. I don't want to do anything, I just want to sit, I want to not be in MVILLE, I want to be somwhere more accepting, I want to be with kristin, I want it to be 7 years from now, I want to be on my own terms, I don't want what I have. I think I'm too depressed to do HW, but I really have to, I have a lot to do, its just so much, and I don't know what to do. I need help, I need a break, I need to get the fuck outta where I am.